When taking in feedback, criticism or simply having a challenging conversation we’ve often been told to “have thick skin.” I suppose this means to develop a tough exterior or put up some kind of protective bubble so that the things that happen don’t impact us so much. There’s one problem with this; we’re human. We have feelings, we care about things deeply, and in tough conversations there’s usually a lot of thoughts and emotions going on inside of us. To “have thick skin” can often be taken as a directive to try and ignore or suppress all of that. But, how do you find that works? In my experience, it’s both very hard to do and ineffective at allowing for a constructive conversation – lots of reactivity.
What we really need are some pointers on effective communication, some tools to take with you into those conversations. Instead of repression and reactivity, we need allowance and awareness of your inner world , and right there while it’s all going on and you’re having the conversation.
Be aware of and give your emotions space
There’s a famous quote by Carl Jung, “What you resist persists.” When you’re in a conversation and can feel emotions rise up within you, our conditioned response is often to try and suppress them. Our chest tightens, we stop fully breathing and we resist. We want the emotions to go away. But, when we do this the emotion usually persists or even gets bigger and more difficult to manage. Instead, when emotions arise, become aware of them by in your head identifying and naming what you are experiencing (anger, shame, frustration etc.). Then, instead of suppressing and tightening, try leaning into the experience – relax your chest and take a deep breath, giving the emotion the space to move through you. This doesn’t mean we express the emotions, but internally acknowledge them, give them permission to be there, give them space and breathe. When we do this I think you will find the intensity lessens. You may still have these emotions come up again after the conversation is over, but by doing this in the middle of it all – while talking to someone – it gives you the ability to respond to things how you would like instead of your emotions taking control.
Stay “above the line.” Am I open, curious and committed to learning?
In The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Dethmer, Chapman and Klemp a binary model is presented as “the most important model to know for conscious leadership.” It is a solid line. You can either operate from above or below the line. To be above the line you are operating as open, curious and committed to learning; this is conscious leadership. To be below the line you are operating as closed, defensive and committed to being right.
Whether you’re in a leadership position or not, this model stands to help you identify whether you are approaching conversations from a place that allows effective communication. Become aware, right while you’re in a conversation, of whether you are above or below the line. Check your ego and be honest with yourself. Dethmer et al. say that awareness is key; it’s dangerous to be below the line and think you’re above it and unfortunately, “this kind of leadership blindness is rampant in the corporate world.” By staying above the line we can really hear and take in what someone is saying and respond with genuine desire to understand and come to a consensus on how to move forward.
Stay professional and take responsibility for your side of the street
While you may be aware of whether you’re operating from above or below the line and doing everything in your power to engage in effective and constructive communication, this doesn’t mean everyone else is. Whoever you’re speaking to – even your boss – may be below the line, inappropriate, unprofessional etc. That doesn’t mean you should go there too. Take the high road. Let them do what they do in the conversation while you take responsibility for you and what you say. Your job is to have awareness of what’s going on inside of you and how you’re being in the interaction. It may be challenging to bite your tongue or not get drawn in, but you won’t regret it later and it puts you in a much better position for future with this person.
Don’t take it personally
I get it – if your work or skills are being criticized it seems pretty personal. But what “don’t take it personally” means is to not take the criticism and make it mean more than it does. Don’t make it mean something about your worth, your future ability to succeed, or that there is something wrong with you, that you are bad etc. It’s a comment on your skill level at doing a particular task at this point in time – just leave it at that. Don’t make your work equate your worth. Keep this at the front of your mind when you’re receiving feedback. Become aware of any automatic thoughts you have running through your mind that are giving the feedback more meaning than it deserves and remind yourself they’re evaluating how you do something, not you. And if you stay “above the line” you will be able to stay open to a conversation on how to learn and improve, rather than retreating into hurt and defensiveness.
Being human and engaging in challenging conversations isn’t easy, but if you apply these tools things will go a lot smoother – much better than just trying to tough it out and have “thick skin.”