It’s how much you care.
OK, some people thought it was “who you know” that matters, right? Well, maybe that’s true for advancing your own career but in leadership positions people need to know and feel you care about them.
How I Failed Miserably
As a young, up and coming athletics administrator I had ambitions and worked very hard to learn the tools of the trade. I studied leadership, management and anything else I could get my hands on. My two biggest mistakes were: 1) believing that I had to know it all, and 2) thinking that I could know it all.
My fear was showing vulnerability. I felt that if I was leading my department, I needed to know everything about everything. This helped motivate me to learn, but it also limited my ability to relate to people in a way that built strong relationships. Showing weakness or uncertainty would affect how people thought of me and my ability to lead them. Or so I believed for a long time. [pullquote1 quotes=”true” align=”right” variation=”blue” cite=”John Maxwell”]They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.[/pullquote1]
Caring is Knowing
Best-selling author John Maxwell said “They don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Early in my career I wouldn’t have believed it. But it’s so true. The ability to empathize with people is one of the strongest assets leaders can possess. Some naturally convey empathy, others must work hard to develop it. We all have the ability to empathize. Our own egos and fears often get in the way, however.
Don’t Just Fix It, Feel It
One challenge leaders have it feeling like they need to fix everything. Of course part of effective leadership is problem-solving, but some problems don’t have a quick-fix. More importantly, those dealing with the problem or issue must know their leader truly understands their situation and feels their pain or frustration. Simply focusing on the solution discounts the problem for those dealing with it.
Lessons From Kindergarten
As an example, consider a kindergartener who happens upon a school bully. He comes home sad or angry every day and his parents can’t figure out why. Eventually the child share his daily challenge with his parents. Outraged, the father immediately calls the school, calls the bully’s parents and clearly lays out his expectations that the behavior end. He comes back and tells his son that the bully will never bother him again. Problem solved, right?
The bullying may stop, but the parents never stopped to validate the child’s feelings and daily challenge. He wanted the bullying to stop, yes, but more than anything he simply wanted to feel safe and that his parents were there for him. The child needed a solution but more than anything he needed a hug.
And A Real World Example
After becoming athletics director at a new campus, my first staff meeting was filled with staff concerns, complaints, frustrations and expectations (of me). The passion that fueled their primary frustration was Admissions Department decisions. Very little communication existed, coaches felt out of the loop and very unappreciated. After 1 1/2 hours of venting (which I felt was needed and healthy), I simply said ‘OK, we need to fix this’ and literally walked from my staff meeting to the VP of Admissions’ office and explained the problem. We immediately began join meetings and planning sessions, improved communications and systems and worked more closely as two departments. Still, coaches felt little improvement and certainly did not appreciate, let alone acknowledge, my efforts.
The lesson here is I was too quick to try and fix something. I understood the problem clearly and thought I had acknowledged staff frustrations. But I clearly did not. I tackled the problem from the ‘command post’ but the frustrations were felt on the ‘front lines.’ Without demonstrating that I understood their situation, my efforts were minimized and ineffective.
Three Keys
Here are three basic keys to showing people you care.
- Ask and Listen More Than You Answer and Tell. Showing sincere interest in another person requires active listening. Get to know people beyond their job descriptions and your expectations. It’s not up to them to share this information, it’s up to you to ask.
- Do Purely Social Things. Go to lunch or play golf or go to a concert. Whatever it is, make sure it’s not about work. Take advantage of this time to learn and share.
- Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously. Make sure you can laugh at yourself and be comfortable showing your vulnerabilities, quirks and hangups. This will help you be a “real” person and not just a “boss.”
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