We don’t choose our family, and we usually don’t get to choose our co-workers or our board members, unless we’re among top decision-makers. This can put us in a challenging position of finding ways to solve problems with others, as we might not always see eye to eye with those who are involved.
How do you manage this? It’s easy. Let’s explore.
Reach A Clearer Understanding
Sometimes, conversation just doesn’t work. Anybody who’s ever been in a serious relationship, or at least one that lasted long enough to see communication start to degrade, understands that conversation on its own can be meaningless because people simply hear things differently than what you think you said to them. You know what you’ve said, but you don’t know what they’ve heard.
This is because people often have an internal dialogue that can run counter to a conversation. A simple ask, such as, “Can you take out the trash?” can be received as, “I’m frustrated you aren’t pulling your weight, and taking out the trash is the least you can do.” Conversation like this is meaningless. So, what can you do?
In situations such as this, especially when trying to modify a course, it’s important to agree on a statement or plan of action and then move forward with a written explanation.
My mother taught my brother and me from early on that the only way to manage our father’s understanding of things is to write a note confirming the task at hand. You would think we wouldn’t need to write, “Dear Sid, when you cook the hamburgers, make sure they aren’t raw.” But she needed to — and we survived.
By writing things down, there’s a better chance of understanding by both sides. And, as often as possible, have someone serve as a witness or a third party to the interaction so they can help clarify later what was said or done.
Having a witness is key. Often, when I’m in meetings, I will summarize the tasks at the end of the conversation and then ask each person what their major takeaway was. Since the tasks are almost always shared, this means each person is listening to the others. In one case, years ago, I had an employee who was so enthusiastic about the best parts of the job that they often ignored the hard work to get there. But my administrator locked down what he needed to do and, without my help, was able to keep this employee on task.
Find A Common Interest
“You don’t go to ‘fun’; you go to work.” My friend once said this to my wife, and it has always stuck with me. Though work is necessary to accomplish many things, it’s tedious and painful when you have to work alongside people you wouldn’t normally spend time around.
For most people, you can find a mutual interest or get to know them based on what they care about outside of work — and just acknowledging this can be earth-shattering in terms of finding commonalities. If you have to work on projects together, you can at least start with searching for common ground.
In situations like this, insert something personal into every interaction — even if they rebuff it, ignore it or criticize it. At the very least, you’ve tried your best to connect, and at the very best, at some point, you might mention something they actually gravitate toward, and a connection can be formed.
Fishing for a commonality isn’t easy. I once met a woman who is now a good friend, but when we met, she was closed off. I started talking about my family, my work, my music — nothing worked. Then I mentioned seeing a friend recently, and it turned out that she and my close friend had gone to the same college. All of a sudden, we had a bond, and she started opening up.
This suggestion can take some effort, but once a bond is formed, communicating and working together become much smoother and more enjoyable.
When all is said and done, it’s likely not going to be easy when you don’t get along with someone at work, especially when you’re in charge of making major changes in the organization or to a project. However, if you approach each person with compassion and empathy, most will “crack” their hard shells, and relationships will improve. For those who don’t, make sure they’re heard, and document everything you need, ideally with a witness — and honestly, just keep fishing. One day, you’ll catch on to something that will bring you both a little bit closer.